


I Need You

by SuperWhoAvengeTrekLock



Series: Supernatural As Told by Me: If Cas Was Always There [12]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crossroads Deals & Demons, Dean doesn't like it, Demon kisses Dean, Fluff at the beginning, Lots of Angst, M/M, crossroads epiosde, slight cheating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-26
Updated: 2017-09-26
Packaged: 2019-01-05 20:02:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12196449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperWhoAvengeTrekLock/pseuds/SuperWhoAvengeTrekLock
Summary: Castiel finally tells Dean what's been going on amidst a hunt that hits a little too close to home for him to just go on ignoring.





	I Need You

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize for the lack of Gabriel and Sam in this installment. It was really supposed to be Cas-centric.

Castiel hummed as he let the water cascade over his body. With the way things had been going, he needed it so badly. It was a gross thought, but he couldn’t remember the last time he showered. And at that, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d has a  _ hot _ shower. 

Of course Castiel had good reason as to why he hadn’t bathed in so long. It had started with Andy and from there on in… it just slowly went down hill. After they’d revealed everything to Ellen, they’d stuck around town. They’d decided to sleep off all the bad vibes, of course Dean and Cas chose to screw them out like they always did. And for a while it was totally working. 

That was until it was time to leave. They knew they’d needed to leave the roadhouse, leave Ellen and Jo for a little and just get back on the road. More than anything, they needed something to kill and, man, if that didn’t freak out most of the group. Whereas Dean had come to terms with the fact that he needed his job, to kill something evil and feel like they were doing good, Gabriel still tended to have some trouble. Now his brother had told him that it got easier… he didn’t know if he wanted that to be true. 

There were times when he found particularly evil creatures easier to end. There were even times when he was able to get ahold of himself and help just like he had the night he and Dean had worked in perfect tandem to take down the vamp that was about to kill Gordon. But the more he did it, the more he just seemed to be reminded of the fact that it was still a living, breathing, thing. And sometimes it took a whole bottle of whiskey to stop his hands from shaking.

Sam and Castiel, of course, were very much on the same road when it came to that. They needed this job, to do better and do some good in the world, especially with the weight they were both carrying. But they didn’t need to kill the way Dean seemed to need to. They only needed to help. 

So of course they were on their way back to it, back to that life, when something had interrupted that. Jo put them on a case. Well, it was Jo’s case, Ellen was the one that told them to work it. So when Jo had showed up to work the case with them, it had been a dangerous line to walk. With Jo getting captured and Dean finding out that it was his father that had gotten Jo’s dad killed… well they’d left Nebraska after that. 

The reprieve from drama had been short lived when suddenly they were being arrested. Sam and Dean were being charged on some accounts that dated back to before the hunt they were working, before they even knew Sam and Dean. Of course the brothers had told them about all the crazy things they had faced so they knew that what was going on was completely false. They knew Dean never tortured a girl, they knew he didn’t kill anyone during the current case, and they knew that all these grave desecration counts… well the police just didn’t understand that one. 

What was worse? They’d treated him and Gabriel like victims. When they’d taken Dean away, Castiel had been with him. While Dean was put into a cop car… he was put in the back of an ambulance and a blanket wrapped around his shoulders, the cops telling him it was going to be okay. They’d done the same to Gabriel when they’d arrested Sam in the motel. 

The next thing they knew they were being talked about as taken, like Sam and Dean had kidnapped them both. Sam and Dean had come for Cas but one of them wasn’t enough and so they’d come back for Gabriel. Of course… the brothers looked at them like they were smoking some really good grass because that was just so farfetched. 

“ _ Stockholm Syndrome _ ,” one of the detectives had thrown around and the two had never rolled their eyes so hard. It was when the cops had tried to convince them that they were sexually assaulted by both the brothers that they knew they had to escape. 

They had a plan for this, of course. Dean and Sam had taught them all their codes. But the plan was only ever for if they were arrested. But they hadn’t been. They were being treated like victims and so Dean couldn’t get a note to them if he wanted to. They had to come up with their own way to escape. 

They didn’t know how they pulled it off, but they did. And managed to swipe some really nice badges in the process, meeting up with Sam at the motel room. 

Sam had breathed a sigh of relief and Castiel smiled a bit as he remembered the hug he’d pulled them both into, telling him he’d been so worried that they might haul them back to Illinois. 

After they managed to wrap that up, they’d driven away from all the dramatics, all the problems. They were all about finally having a break and laying low for a change. But that could only last so long and he sighed deeply at the thought. 

Soapy hands slipped low on his waist, cleaning him as he felt lips at the shell of his ear. “That's a pretty big sigh for someone so small,” Dean teased in a low voice. 

Castiel grinned as he felt Dean's body press flush against his. “And that's a pretty hard body for someone who eats burgers like they're going out of style,” he teased back. 

Dean laughed as he spun him around gently, kissing him soft, but deep enough that Castiel draped his arms around his shoulders, bending one of his knees as he leaned in to his boyfriend. 

Castiel would be lying if he said he didn't like hunting. But he would just as equally be lying if he said that he didn't enjoy the small vacation they'd had of laying low and making love all day. 

His hand trailed down to his chest, tracing the lines with his finger. He smiled as Dean shuddered under the touch. He looked up into green eyes. “Have I told you lately that you're gorgeous?” He asked, their lips brushing as he spoke. 

Dean grinned, his hands roaming the expanse of his skin, enjoying the feeling of being able to take his time; to be able to touch Cas like he knew he liked. 

He hummed. “Just about every time we have sex and every time in between so I'd have to say yes,” he whispered back. 

Castiel smiled lovingly at him. The past few weeks, his head had been swimming with the things he was keeping to himself. He didn’t want to keep anything from his boyfriend anymore but it was getting harder and harder to believe that their life would be at all okay after he did. 

He looked deeply into Dean’s eyes, his hand coming up to caress his skin as he thought about it. He spent hours, sometimes, picturing how Dean would react. Right now, Dean’s eyes were full of love as he looked at him. There were times when he tried to imagine disgust in them instead or when he could imagine Dean angry and telling him to leave. To never come back. Or maybe… even that he couldn’t love someone like him. Not anymore. 

He remembered Sam and Dean being out one night, on a food run and Castiel had begun to cry as he imagined it. He remembered his brother coming to his side and asking him why he was crying. He recalled shaking his head and just telling his brother why in short, panting, breaths. When Gabriel had asked him why on Earth he would do something so torturous to himself, Castiel could only answer with the fact that it may have hurt less if he anticipated. 

It was Dean that noticed the silence between them, an event that had been increasing. It wasn’t a secret that the couple would sometimes spend time just staring into each other’s eyes with love and adoration. They’d even been told to stop on multiple occasions by their brothers. But now, it seemed like more. It was almost like Castiel was searching for something in his eyes that he just couldn’t find. 

It worried him. Something was on his boyfriend’s mind that he couldn’t pinpoint. And asking was useless. He knew that Cas would talk when he wanted to, never before. So he had to take what he could get, which wasn’t much. If that meant easing around the subject, he would. 

“Angel,” he said softly, finally, as he reached up and wrapped his fingers around his wrist, keeping Castiel’s hand to his face as he leaned into the palm. “You’ve been like this for a while now. What’s on your mind?” he whispered. 

Castiel licked his lips as he thought about how to answer that. What was on his mind was complex and intricate… and not something he would give to Dean in a shower. But he had to… he had to ask. He had to  _ know _ more than what he did. 

“Dean…” he started, but he paused for a beat, looking away. 

Dean’s concern only grew as he contemplated what could be worrying him. But he waited. He waited until Castiel was ready to speak again, not caring if their water turned cold here while he talked to Cas. “Anything, angel. You can tell or ask me anything. You know that, right?”

Castiel nodded. “Of course I do,” he responded. “I just…” he paused once more before he looked up and into his eyes. “Dean… will you always love me?” he asked. 

Dean was gobsmacked as soon as the question exited his mouth. “Angel, why are you asking me that?” he asked, as if the answer to that question was obvious and he couldn’t tell why it was even being asked. 

Castiel’s hand pressed into the skin on his shoulder where it rested and he waited. “I just… I just need you to answer me. To tell me the truth,” he breathed. “It’s something I need to know.”

“Of course I will always love you, Castiel,” he said without anymore hesitation. 

“What if I wasn’t human? What if I got turned into a vampire? Or a werewolf? Or even–”

Dean cut him off with a soft kiss, holding his body to his own. He kept Castiel there for a few moments, keeping the kiss soft enough that it gave him the only answer he had. When he pulled back, he looked into deep blue eyes and he moved his hands up to cup his cheeks. 

“Angel, I’m always going to love you. Always and no matter what. I don’t care if something happens to me or to you. I’m in this with you for the long haul. I can promise that. Neither of us are going to stop loving the other. Because I know you love me a whole lot and I love you more. Now come on, babe. What’s bringing this on?”

Castiel gave a slightly weak smile as he listened to Dean tell him that he would always love him. It was something that he needed. “I don’t know,” he lied. “I’ve just been having doubts. Like I’m unlovable or I’m no good–”

“Well clear those thoughts out. Because they’re untrue,” he spoke gently as he brought Castiel into his arms. He really didn’t understand why his boyfriend was asking this of him. He didn’t know why Castiel was feeling this way but he knew he was going to make it better, he knew that he had to. He just had to find the perfect way to do that now. 

 

While the two hunters were, generally, head over heels in love with each other… they tended to keep their PDA at a minimum. Especially in a crowded diner with their brothers sitting on the other side of them. 

That being said, Dean’s hand was locked into Castiel’s under the table and he showed no signs of letting go. He had barely let Cas out of his hold since they’d gotten out of the shower that morning. He’d taken to kissing his skin every chance he got and telling him that he loved him. He knew that his lover was on to him after what he’d said about having doubts. And yet neither of them seemed to care. 

In fact, Castiel was loving it. No, he wasn’t much for PDA and while Dean always conveyed his love for him, whether it was through touch or speech, the extra attention was nice. He couldn’t help but take advantage, knowing, just having a feeling, that he would have to tell Dean soon. He would have to tell him about his lack of soul… and he didn’t know if Dean would still love him after that. 

Castiel smiled as Dean fed him a french fry, poking him in the nose first as if he was missing his mouth. The actions only made Castiel laugh and snicker. “Dean, cut it out,” he playfully whined. 

“Oh what, you’re not gonna chase it? Not gonna catch it?” he teased as Castiel started to do just that and he popped it into his mouth, catching Castiel’s mouth in a kiss just as he came closer. 

“You two are gross,” Gabriel said with nose turned up as he watched them. He’d been trying to focus on Sam’s findings, trying to see what he was seeing as far as their police records but the two were being so affectionate on the other side of the table that he was finding it hard to concentrate. 

Dean chuckled as he popped a few more fries in his mouth. “Don’t be jealous, Gabe. I mean, I’m sure you could seduce Sammy if you tried really hard,” he teased with a wink, more than positive he was talking out his own ass. 

Sam looked up with a roll of his eyes. “Maybe try not to pimp me out while I’m sitting right here?” he asked, taking a sip of his drink, trying to hide the way his heart had beat faster at the words. 

Dean smirked. “You see, I didn’t hear a no, Gabe,” he pointed. “Be pretty convenient. We’re already on the road together–”

“Shut up, Dean,” the two on the side of the table said together. 

Dean threw his head back in laughter and shook his head as he kept eating. 

Castiel smiled and leaned up, pressing his nose to his jawline in an affectionate manner. “You’re in such a good mood today,” he whispered. “Such high spirits.”

“Why shouldn’t I be?” he wondered. “I got my angel by my side, money in my pocket from a fresh pair of dopes last night, those two dopes aren’t dying for a change,” he pointed across the table. “And we got a case comin’ up,” he grinned. “Life is good.”

Sam shook his head, even though he was happy his brother seemed happy. Though he didn’t know why, it was a gift horse and he wasn’t looking for teeth. “So much for our low profile,” he muttered, changing the subject. “You've got a warrant in St. Louis, and now you're officially in the Fed's database.”

Dean smirked wide. “Dude, I'm like Dillinger or something,” he said, paying no attention to the scoff and the roll of eyes that he got from across the table from both parties. 

“Dean, it's not funny. Makes the job harder, we've gotta be more careful now,” he said. “Not to mention they’ve got Cas and Gabe flagged as victims; kidnapped and taken hostage,” he shook his head at just how untrue that was. 

Dean wrinkled his nose at that. While he sometimes wished that the two men would go back to living normal, cookie cutter, lives so they could be safer, he hated the fact that someone thought they were there under anything but their own volition. He didn’t like them to be thought as victims. “Well, what do they got on you?” he wondered. 

Sam paused for a beat, almost looking forlornly at the computer. “I'm sure they just haven't posted it yet…” he muttered. 

Castiel lifted an eyebrow. “No accessory? Nothing?” he asked. 

“Shut up…” 

Dean laughed. “You're jealous,” he grinned. 

“No, I'm not!”

Dean’s grin didn’t fade as he just kept eating. “Uh-huh. All right. What do you got on the case there, you innocent, harmless young man, you?”

Sam looked grumpy but he jutted his chin at Gabriel, asking him to read the papers they’d printed out some time ago at the library. Since the whole case with Andy, Sam and Gabe had been spending a lot more time together. Not just because they usually shared a room and tried to get away from the never ending sounds of the couple having sex, but because Sam was making sure that Gabriel no longer felt left out. 

He took him to the library every time he wanted to come and they would talk. Sam was teaching Gabe how to look for cases and where to find books that actually helped them. He educated him on everything he knew and they’d even gone shooting once. 

Gabriel smiled a little and nodded, reaching for the papers. This case he’d found all on his own. Sam had been proud of him and had told him as such, saying something that he’d be ready to go out and do it all on his own if he wanted to.

They’d already begun talking about the case but then their food had come and so they’d stopped in the middle, Sam preoccupying himself with looking up police reports instead of cases. 

He cleared his throat as he read off the paper. “Architect Sean Boyden plummeted to his death from the roof of his home, a condominium he designed.” 

“Hmm,” Dean offered. “Build a high-rise and jump off the top of it. That's classy.”

“When did he call animal control?” Castiel asked. 

“Two days earlier,” Sam said. 

Dean looked up. “Did he actually  _ say _ Black Dog?”

The pair nodded. “Yeah,” Gabriel answered. “A vicious, wild, black dog. The authorities couldn't find it, no one else saw it; in fact, the authorities are a little confused as to how a wild dog could get past the doorman, take the elevator up and start roaming the halls of the cushiest joint in town. After that, no more calls, he doesn't show up for work, two days later he takes a swan dive.” 

Castiel’s eyebrows jumped a little as he thought about it. “Do you think we're dealing with an actual Black Dog?” he wondered, though he thought it might just be the guy's imagination. 

“Well, maybe…” Gabriel pinched his lips together, the truth was that he didn’t know yet. He was still learning and it was Sam who’d dug up the lore on what the beast sounded like or if it was actually a beast at all. 

“What's the lore on it?” Dean inquired.

Sam passed over the pages he’d printed on the lore to the other two, showing them the pictures and information he’d been able to get ahold of. “It's all pretty vague. I mean, there are spectral black dogs all over the world, but... some say they're animal spirits, others say death omens. But anyways, whatever they are, they're big, nasty–”

Dean smirked as he picked a picture. “Yeah, I bet they could hump the crap outta your leg, look at that one, huh?” he said, hearing a slight snicker from his boyfriend before he looked across and saw the disapproving looks on Gabriel and Sam’s faces. “What? They could,” he pouted. 

 

_ Castiel awoke with tubes in his nose, helping him to breathe. There was a pain in his gut and he was unsure as to whether or not it was from the demon who’d tried to make a set out of his love for Dean or if it was the car crash.  _

_ He’d barely been awake when the truck had hit them. Hell, he knew that Dean had barely thought him alive. But he’d been fading in and out of consciousness long enough that when the truck rammed into the side of the impala with all of them in it… he’d had enough time to hold on to Dean all the way through it.  _

_ Now, as the horribly fluorescent lights above assaulted his freshly opened eyes, he groaned, seeming to catch the attention of someone in the room.  _

_ “Cas? You awake?” he heard his brother ask.  _

_ Castiel coughed a little, nodding his best as he reached up, pulling the tubes from his nose. If he was going to breathe, it would be on his own.  _

_ “Cas–” he said as he tried to stop him from removing something the doctor had told him he needed.  _

_ “Let me, Gabe. They’re bugging me,” he argued.  _

_ Gabriel huffed. “You really are turning out just like those Winchesters. Sam did the same thing when he woke up.” _

_ At the mention of Sam, Castiel’s head whipped to the side to look at his brother, taking in the healing bruises and scrapes from when he’d been held by the demons. It was clear to see that when Gabriel got there, however he got there, the doctors had taken the time to fix him up the best he could. With one of those small bandages holding the skin together above his eyebrow, he knew Gabriel would be feeling better soon.  _

_ “Sam– where is he? Where is Dean? How did you get here?” he asked before he shook his head as he tried to get up. “I can’t just– I have to see them.” _

_ At that Gabriel stood firm and pushed him back. “Castiel, you are still my brother, so please… listen for a change. You were cut badly in your abdomen. You have stitches. Moving too much is going to tear them,” he warned.  _

_ “I don’t care. I have to see them. I have to see Dean,” he insisted.  _

_ Gabriel huffed once more, knowing that his brother wasn’t going to let up, no matter how much he tried. If he knew one thing about Castiel, it was that he loved with his entire heart and Dean had all of it and then some.  _

_ What was worse? He knew that his brother was going to freak out at Dean’s condition. When Gabriel had gotten there, he’d told the doctors the truth. Not only was he Castiel’s older brother but he was the only one awake and part of the group that came in. They didn’t give him a lot to go on but the doctors solemn look when he directed him toward the room where Dean lay, the machines helping him basically do everything… he knew it wasn’t good news. _

_ He was silent for a few beats as he debated what to do before he sighed, knowing this was a bad idea. “Alright,” he said. “Stay here. Just for a moment. Let me find you a wheelchair,” he nodded as he disappeared out into the hallway.  _

_ Castiel sat back and took in what he was hooked up to. Except for the searing pain in his gut, he felt fine. He was breathing, he could feel his heart beating. Actually… with the machine hooked into him to his right, he could  _ hear _ it as well.  _

_ He huffed and pulled that from his person as well as the IV drip that had him drugged up, grunting at the slight pinch it caused when he ripped it from his hand in an ungraceful fashion. He reached for the drawer, seeing a few supplies. He ripped open a bandage with his teeth and placed it over the spot before he deemed it good enough and got as far as his bare feet on the cold floor but it was his brother that caught his escape.  _

_ “Cas, really? I haven’t even been gone for five minutes and you already took the IV out? You need that–” _

_ “Gabriel, stop fretting over me,” he waved his brother off. “Believe it or not I can take care of myself,” he said as he moved and put himself in the wheelchair. “Besides, pain meds screw with your perception. If the demon comes back, I need to be ready.” _

_ “That’s what you’re worried about?” Gabriel asked as he crossed his arms over his chest. “You were tortured by said demon and left bloody. You were in a car accident that was enough to break John’s arm in a sling and your boyfriend–” Gabriel stopped himself, his mouth clamping shut.  _

_ Castiel’s eyes narrowed. “Gabriel… what’s wrong with Dean?” he asked. But when his brother didn’t answer, the hunter grabbed Gabe as he stood, not caring if his stitches were pulling. He spun Gabriel around and forced his face hard into the hospital bed.  _

_ “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he offered. “That hurts,” he grunted, his arm being pulled back.  _

_ “What happened to Dean?” he growled, Dean his only thought on his mind at the moment.  _

_ “Ow, okay, quit it,” he growled back, able to force Castiel off of him and into the chair again. “You may be injured and I don’t want to hurt you but I am still stronger than you and I have more fight than you ever did,” he said as he fixed himself.  _

_ “Take me to Dean, Gabriel,” he commanded.  _

_ Gabriel sucked in a breath before he sighed. “As you wish.” _

 

The three of them sat in the car while Dean went into the Animal Protection Agency building to find out more on the case. They’d already talked to one of the close friends and business partners of the deceased and found out that the man who’d killed himself had been labeled a genius by his peers and his community. But the man had let it slip that it wasn’t always like that, having been working at a bar ten years previous, but they hadn’t thought too much on that. 

They were talking when Dean came back out and passed the papers over to Sam with a grumpy face on. Sam lifted his eyebrows and looked at the others, who just simply shrugged. 

“Everything good?” he asked. 

Dean grunted. “Yeah. She just kept talking was all. Every complaint called in this week about anything big, black, or dog-like. There's nineteen calls in all,” he said as he pointed to the papers, noticing the post-it note and he rolled his eyes. “And yeah, I have no idea what this thing is,” he shook his head. 

Sam looked down at the papers before he saw something interesting before he chuckled and peeled the sticky note off. “You mean the girl’s twitter handle?” he asked. 

“Yeah, what is that?” Dean asked, Sam laughing. 

“Grounds for ganking,” Castiel growled, staring at the building as if seriously debating on whether or not to storm the castle and tell her off about flirting with his boyfriend. 

Dean looked in the rearview at his other half. “Alright, Mrs. Smith. Calm down,” he chuckled and shook his head. “Clearly I'm not interested,” he said before he looked at Sam. “And what is a twitter?” He muttered. 

Sam snorted, shaking his head at his Dean’s lack of basic societal norms. 

“Seriously. Is that like some sort of porn site?” he wondered. 

For how mad it made Castiel that Dean had gotten hit on, it made him laugh that Dean was still so out of touch with their society as a whole. But of course, he got it. He didn’t need things like twitter, instagram, facebook– none of those things helped get the job done. So he didn’t see the need to educate him on them. 

After about an hour and a half of knocking on doors and following up with the reports they got, they were starting to get a little annoyed. It wasn’t like they were all close together, either. Dean was burning fuel and running all over to different spots in town just to see if anything matched the description. And really, they were starting to think they wouldn’t find any more actual reports of this dog. Some of them were ready to call it quits. 

Dean shook his head as they knocked on the door of a nice looking home. “I swear, if this is another freakin' Pomeranian barking in the neighbor's yard…” Dean muttered just before a woman answered the door. Dean looked up, reaching for his badge. “Afternoon, ma’am. Animal control. 

It wasn’t that long of a visit, really. Long enough for the woman that they were talking with to give them some very useful pieces of information. She’d talked about how the doctor who had called about the dog in the first place had been, pretty much, an overnight success ten years previous. Just like their suicide victim. And just like their suicide victims, they were able to connect her to an establishment called Lloyd’s bar. 

It was when they learned that fact that Castiel had started to become… restive. Two overnight success stories were one thing… but both of them having ten years and then seeming to go crazy, seeing a black dog? No, that wasn’t a coincidence.

“Angel, you feeling okay?” Dean had asked as they pulled up, just outside of Lloyd’s bar. 

Dean had noticed that Castiel was quiet, staring off into space. Normally Cas was the exact opposite. He would keep talking and try to solve the case right there in the car as they drove from stop to stop. He’d thought, originally, that maybe it was the girl flirting with him. But after pulling him aside, kissing him, and telling him he loved him, Castiel was still like this. 

Castiel looked in the rearview, knowing that at this moment he was wearing his heart on his sleeve. But he put on a fake smile, making it as believable as possible. “I’m… I’m okay, yeah,” he nodded. “Just tired. Wanna rest up after this,” he said, ignoring the pointed look he was getting from his brother as they got out of the car. 

Castiel stayed quiet, trying not to think about the fact that this wasn’t his first time at a crossroads. In his line of work, he wondered if it would be his last. He was certain, it wouldn’t. 

He walked behind Dean, the hunter keeping his hand in his for a moment as he tried to read his boyfriend. Castiel knew Dean was doing it, but he didn’t give anything away. He couldn’t. Not yet. 

As Dean spotted the flowers, Castiel thought of his notions earlier on in the day. He’d had a suspicion when they’d talked to the friend of the first victim and he said the phrase ‘ten years’. That had been when it had hit Castiel. He felt guilty but he’d had a fleeting notion that maybe Sam and Dean wouldn’t figure out what it was, what this was. Maybe they would leave it alone and chalk it up to a spirit or something. Maybe…

But he knew that the two brothers were smart. And more over, they were all teaching Gabriel everything they knew. Of course… Gabriel had known before the Winchester’s, he was sure. After all he’d gotten to see it first hand. 

Next thing he knew Dean and Sam were digging up the spot right dead-center of the crossroads and Castiel tried not to bite his nails as he watched them and how the whole thing looked familiar. He looked over the brothers to see his own staring back at him as if having a silent conversation. 

_ Castiel looked into the hospital room, completely at a loss for words. His boyfriend, the man he knew to be the love of his life, was laying in a hospital bed: lifeless.  _

_ He felt tears as he took in the machines that were hooked up to his person, helping him breathe, helping him eat. Keeping him alive. He wondered, briefly, how long Dean had been like this. How long had they been in the hospital? How long had he been asleep.  _

_ But then all at once, he didn’t care. He didn’t care what the timestamp on their stay was. He just knew he needed to do something.  _

_ He wheeled himself closer, tears in his eyes. He moved and pulled himself up onto the bed so that he could lean over Dean. “Oh, baby,” he whispered as he touched his cheek. He spoke as if his words would be the ones to wake Dean up. Like he would pop up and shine big green eyes at him, give him that smile that he knew was always for him. “You can’t hear me… or maybe you can,” he whispered. “But I’m going to fix this. I promise. I’ll find something.” _

_ He stayed there for a few minutes, whispering to him before he kissed his cheek and put himself back into the wheelchair. He knew he needed to do something for Dean, things racing through his head. He didn’t have the money to fast track any kind of treatment. He couldn’t do anything the human way, something he was already weighing in his brain. He knew what he had to do. And he had to do it now… before Sam or John pulled the plug. He didn’t have time to find some healer like they had once before. He had to do this now.  _

_ He wiped his tears as he looked at the hospital chart at the end of Dean’s bed and it was enough to convince him of what he needed to do. His face set into one of determination.  _

_ “Gabriel… how did you get here?” he asked his brother.  _

_ “Uh, Sam left a note so I knew where you guys were. The mountain the cabin is on overlooked a town, I hiked in and … acquired a car,” he said, trying to look at least a little guilty.  _

_ “Good,” Castiel said without hesitation. “We are going to need it. We are leaving,” he muttered just as he got into his own room and began collecting some of the things they’d brought in on him. He grabbed his wallet and checked to see how much cash was inside; Gabriel standing next to him with his mouth agape.  _

_ “You’re joking.” _

_ Castiel looked up, seriousness etched into his face. “What? Isn’t that what you wanted?” he asked as he stood, grabbing for his clothes, not caring if they were bloody. They would have to do for now. “Is that not the reason you came looking for me?” _

_ Gabriel watched him closely. “Yes,” he said before he shook his head. “But that was before we were dealing with demons and other things. I don’t even know. You just told me you took your IV out so that you could fight better if it was coming back. Don’t you want to be here with the two people that, I don’t know, know what they’re doing? Don’t you want to be here with Dean?” he wondered.  _

_ “I’m doing this for Dean. We need to leave,” he said. He walked toward the door and peered down the hall, only to see Sam asking where Dean Winchester’s room was– Dean’s room being just a few after Castiel’s– and he cursed as he came back in and got the blanket from the hospital bed, covering himself as he sat back down in the wheelchair. “You need to get us out of here. Sam can’t know I’m awake.” _

_ Gabriel frowned, everything suddenly moving so fast and he stepped closer, confused by his brothers words and actions. “What? What are you talking about–” _

_ “Gabriel, get me out of here without Sam thinking I know you’re taking me and I’ll explain everything later,” he growled.  _

_ “What the hell am I supposed to tell him?” he hissed.  _

_ “You’ve always been quick on your feet. Figure it out,” he commanded as he gestured to start wheeling him before he appeared asleep.  _

_ Gabriel wanted to debate this, wonder just how he’d gotten himself into all of this. He wanted to know why they were doing this in the first place but he knew that he had to at least trust his brother a little. If he wanted to leave… then they were leaving.  _

_ He grabbed hold of the wheelchair and began to push just as Gabriel pushed Castiel out of the room. “Excuse me, Sam,” he muttered, as if that was going to be all on the subject.  _

_ But Sam, having just woken up, was still a little shaken from the accident. He’d been so focused on seeing his brother, his family, that he didn’t even see Gabriel simply wheeling a sleeping Castiel down the hall and toward the elevator until he’d pardoned himself.  _

_ “Gabriel…?” he said, his mind fuzzy and trying to understand. “Gabriel!” he tried again as he realized what was going on but the shorter man ignored him, simply hopping into an elevator as a nurse got out.  _

_ By the time Sam’s feet could carry him towards the pair, the elevator door had already closed.  _

_ “Oh hell no,” Sam muttered as he raced down the stairs. _

_ Castiel opened his eyes and looked up. “That was your bright idea? Ignore him?” he huffed.  _

_ “I kinda figured he’d give chase. He still might so head down. I’m working on it,” he offered just as the elevator dinged and Castiel put his head back down.  _

_ Just as the doors opened, Gabriel was met with one pissed off looking Sam. “Gabriel… what are you doing? Where are you taking Cas?” he asked with a shake of his head. “You can’t just take him. He just got into an accident–” _

_ “And he’s been cleared. The doctors told me when he woke up, he would be good to go. He woke up some time ago and then went back to sleep. He expressed sentiments of wanting to go home. So that’s where I’m taking him,” he said as he moved to the front desk and showed them ID, confirming himself as Castiel’s brother.  _

_ Sam shook his head and pulled Gabriel by the arm away from the front desk for a moment. “That’s a load of bullshit and we both know it,” he hissed low. “Castiel loves us, he loves Dean more than he ever loved the home you’re talking about. I think we both know that if he did say those words, it’s not the home he was referring to. Don’t take him away… at least let him say goodbye to Dean. Let him have a say…” _

_ Gabriel could see the sorrow in Sam’s eyes. He didn’t even know about his brother yet, he knew that. And now he was taking away a man he had come to know as one. He wanted to stop this, tell him that Castiel was asking him to take him… but he wouldn’t out his brother that way.  _

_ Gabriel put on an angry face and pulled his arm from Sam’s grasp. “You’re not his brother, Sam,” he spat. “No matter how much you’d like to think you are, you’re not. You don’t know what’s best for him.” _

_ Sam shook his head once more as he tried a different approach, hearing the nurse say he was all set and give him the prescription the doctor had recommended for Cas upon checkout. “Please… please don’t do this, Gabriel,” he said softly, this time his voice pleading.  _

_ Castiel felt his heart clench in his chest at the pain in Sam’s voice. He wanted to reach out and take his hand, hug him, tell him that he was okay and that he’d be back. And in that time not to worry about Dean because he was going to be okay too, he was going to make sure of it. He just couldn’t stay here.  _

_ But before he could ruin everything, Gabriel pushed him along. “I’m sorry, Sam… it’s for the best,” he said softly as he wheeled him away, trying not to look back as he left Sam standing there, knowing he was taking a piece of his family with him.  _

_ While it was hard to fathom for him so soon, he knew that Sam and Dean had become Castiel’s family even if he was his biological brother. He didn’t feel the same for Sam and Dean as Castiel did, not yet… but he could tell there was family there. So he imagined Sam was going through the exact same thing he had when he heard Castiel had left. He was at a loss and hurting beyond compare.  _

_ “You are so going to owe me for that. You know, I actually  _ like _ Sam. He’s nice. And you just made me rip his heart out right before he finds out about his brother,” he shook his head.  _

_ Castiel was guilt ridden, ripping the blanket off his lap as Gabriel stopped them at the car he’d stolen. “I know what I did,” he said with anger in his voice. It wasn’t as if he needed Gabriel to point out that he’d just hurt someone he loved.  _

_ He stood up and moved to the drivers side. He saw Gabe about to argue but he just put his hand up as if telling him not now. “I need to get some clothes and then we need to make a few pit stops.” _

“...gotta clean up these people's' mess for 'em? I mean, they're not exactly squeaky clean. Nobody put a gun to their head and forced 'em to play Let's Make A Deal,” Dean voiced, seeming to bring Castiel back to there and then. 

Castiel frowned as he listened in on the conversation, catching up from where he’d zoned out. He had to admit that hearing his boyfriend let out in a roundabout way that these people deserved what was coming to them… it left him uneasy. It hit just a little too close to home...

“Perhaps they were selfish, perhaps they didn’t know the consequences were in fact real,” he said softly. “Or perhaps they were at a crossroads as to what to do and where to go,” he whispered as he looked down. 

Dean looked at his boyfriend and then at the other two, seeing that he was alone in his belief. “Alright, fine… Rituals like this, you've got to put your own photo into the mix, right? So this guy probably summoned this thing, let's go and see if anyone inside knows him. If he's still alive,” he commented and walked toward the bar, leaving the three of them there wondering what exactly was on his mind. 

 

As they walked up the stairs to the apartment of the guy whose picture they’d found in the summoning box. It wasn’t a nice place, to say the least. And Castiel could hear the brother’s talking about it as they made their way up, deducing that whatever he asked for, whatever he made a deal for… it clearly wasn’t money. 

“Cas… you keep zoning out,” Gabriel whispered as they hung back, trailing behind them. “You realize Dean is getting suspicious, right?” he asked. 

Castiel looked over. “I just want to get through this case,” he whispered back. “We get through this case and we don’t have to think about it again.”

Gabriel looked disappointed in his brother. “Don’t you think this would be the perfect time to tell them?” he asked. 

Castiel cast his eyes away they made it to the right landing. He supposed his brother was right. No, he knew his brother was right. He  _ knew _ that Gabriel was right. He needed to tell Sam and Dean about why he’d been acting so strange the last couple of weeks. He needed to tell them why he had been taking this case as personally as he was. 

He simply didn’t know how. How do you tell your boyfriend and your best friend that you didn’t have a soul? That you didn’t know how that happened but just that it had? Or how about that you didn’t know how long you’d been this way. Most importantly… how was he supposed to tell them how he found out?

_ “Wait in the car,” Castiel ordered as he looked on at the shop, fixing the jacket he’d gotten to hide any stray bruising and scratches. He double checked the signs in the door before he got out of the car.  _

_ “And why can’t I go with you?” Gabriel lifted an eyebrow.  _

_ “Because I said so,” he replied. “Just wait here.” _

_ Gabriel sighed as Castiel went into the store. When they’d pulled up to the clothes shop and they’d snuck Castiel in to get some clothes that  _ weren’t _ covered in blood, Gabriel had still been under the impression they were going home, that his brother just needed some fresh clothes and that they would be on their way.  _

_ Of course that in itself had been a pipe dream. He didn’t really know why he believed that in the first place. Wishful thinking, he supposed. But now that they were stopped outside of a store with weird markings in the window, he knew something was up.  _

_ He watched his brother smile and lean across the counter as he flirted with the girl that was there, no doubt trying to get something he didn’t quite have the money for. But the entire time he was grabbing his stomach and he knew Cas was doing this, all of it… for Dean. He didn’t know what he was doing exactly, not yet. But he knew who it was for.  _

_ When Castiel came out and began putting things in the trunk, Gabriel got out, looking down at the supplies he was trying to hide from him. “Cas… what is that stuff?” _

_ “None of your business, Gabriel.” _

_ Gabriel’s face set into one of anger and he moved, snatching it from Cas and putting his hand out. “I am sick of the petulant child routine, Castiel. You made me lie at the hospital, sneak you into a clothing store, and now we’re at a store where you so  _ clearly _ bought, not only, a weapon, but other weird things. Don’t think I don’t recognize them after being holed up with demons after all this time. Now stop treating me like an idiot. Tell me what’s going on or else I subdue your ass and take you right back to the hospital,” he threatened.  _

_ Castiel’s eyes darkened as his brother made threats. “I’d like to see you try.” _

_ “I’m not the one with the stitched up stomach, kiddo,” he said, looking just as dangerous even if he was shorter.  _

_ Castiel’s lips tightened into a line as he looked away. As much as he wanted to get this over with… leaving Gabriel was not an option. He couldn’t just get in the car and leave his brother stranded. It wasn’t how it worked. Gabriel would never forgive him and he highly doubted he’d forgive himself.  _

_ Castiel hadn’t cried since the hospital. He’d allotted himself one brief moment of weakness but he knew that was over now. He needed to be strong. He needed to be even stronger for what he was about to do.  _

_ “We’re going to a crossroads. You hear about those in your travels?”  _

_ Gabriel’s eyes widened. Of course he’d heard of them. Before he had even learned the supernatural world existed, he’d heard of the crossroads. It wasn’t until the demons tauntingly confirmed that everything he’d ever hear about demons was true. Most of it, at least. So when Castiel said those words, it wasn’t hard for him to piece together what he was trying to do.  _

_ “No,” Gabriel said firmly.  _

_ “No?” Castiel asked back.  _

_ “That’s right. You heard me. No.” _

_ “You don’t get to decide this, Gabriel,” he shook his head as he snatched the bag away from him.  _

_ “This is suicide–” _

_ “It’s love!” he called back as he snapped at him. “I love Dean until my last dying breath,” he said, tears in his eyes anew. “You don’t  _ understand _. You don’t understand this feeling. You don’t understand this love, this bond. It’s more than a sweep you off your feet feeling. It’s more than kissing and hugging or even having sex. It’s more than company. It’s more than anything you thought love was. It’s more than I ever felt with another boyfriend or with family. I would die for you, yes. But I would sell my soul for him, Gabriel. It’s selfish and it’s stupid but I’ll get ten  _ years _ with him. The way he is now, I’m lucky if I have ten  _ minutes _. He is practically dead… and I can’t live without him. I can’t do it… Especially when I know there’s a way to help. So we’re going. That’s final,” he said as he went to move around the car.  _

_ Castiel was… right. Gabriel had never felt the love that Castiel was talking about. The way he was talking… he didn’t know if anyone truly had. He was undoubtedly correct, whatever he and Dean had was something more. It was more than love. It was like it was like it was fate. Like they were meant to be. He didn’t know why it felt like that. For all he knew it could just be young, dumb, love. But it didn’t feel that way.  _

_ That being said, he knew Dean wouldn’t want this for his brother. He knew just from the brief time he’d spent with the couple. He could see the way Dean looked at him, the way he smiled at him… the way he loved him. He knew that if Dean found out he sold his soul, he would never be okay with it.  _

_ So he stood firm. “I won’t let you do this, Castiel,” he said as he grabbed his wrist.  _

_ Castiel turned, Gabriel not realizing he’d grabbed something from the trunk in all this. Castiel seemed to open the back door without much explanation. “Then I’m sorry, brother. For what I’m about to do.” _

_ Gabriel looked at him oddly before Castiel’s arm swung up and he saw the flash of the wrench in his hand. But it was too late. As the wrench it the side of his head, Gabriel immediately became disoriented, falling into the car like Castiel had done the math perfectly. He only had time to feel Cas putting his feet the rest of the way into the car; then it all went black. _

“Cas!” Dean called, breaking him from his trance. 

He looked up, seeming to shake off whatever he’d been thinking about. “What? I’m sorry, I’m here,” he said, trying to save face. But as he looked around, seeing them back outside the apartment building they’d just been walking into… he realized that he wasn’t there. Not completely. 

Dean watched him closely before he tossed the keys at Sam. “We’ll be there in a second,” he said, turning back to Castiel as the two walked toward the Impala, already ready to calm the face he had on. “Don’t give me that ‘do we really have to do this?’ face, Cas. You’ve been spacey a-a-and somewhere else all day. This morning in the shower you were doing it too,” he shook his head. “Something is going on. You gotta talk to me. Is it this case? Is it the thought of demons?” he asked. 

Castiel shook his head, almost smiling at the way Dean cared, the way he was trying to understand what he was going through even if Castiel hadn’t given him anything to go on. But he has this awful sinking feeling like it wouldn’t last forever. Like this moment should be cherished. Because this was not going to be always. 

“Of course not,” he answered. “I can do my job whether it’s vampires, wendigo’s, witches, or demons–”

“Then  _ what _ is going on here, angel?” Dean asked, worried. 

He knew Castiel wasn’t being truthful with him. He knew that something was brewing behind his eyes and he didn’t know if this was the calm before the storm and suddenly he realized that he didn’t want to do this anymore and he split… or if this case really was getting to him. Of course he couldn’t know if his boyfriend didn’t talk to him. 

Castiel looked down, knowing he couldn’t hide this from Dean for much longer. He knew he had to tell his boyfriend. “I just… I’m tired. I need some sleep,” he lied. 

“We just got a few weeks of sleep laying low, the entire time you talking about getting antsy.”

“Then I guess I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was…” he fired back. 

“Or you’re lying to me,” Dean voiced, his face immediately setting into one of hurt. “I can’t help you if you won’t let me,” he shook his head. 

Castiel opened his mouth to say something but before he could, Dean gave him a look before he simply walked away, turning his back from him as he headed for the Impala. 

Castiel looked up at the sky, fighting back tears. He was screwing everything up. If it wasn’t the truth that drove him from Dean, it was going to be the lies. There was no winning here, that much he was figuring out. 

He took a moment to steel himself; heading back to the Impala in another moment. He got in the back seat, not saying a word but not really having one to say in the first place. 

Dean wanted to talk to his boyfriend. He wanted to tell him what was going through his head, wanted to hear him tell him that he was crazy and that he shouldn’t worry about things the way he was. He wanted to talk about this case, his Dad… but for the first time since they’d gotten together, Castiel seemed emotionally unavailable. 

Part of him thought it selfish that he wanted him to be ready to talk to him now, to be there for him now. The other part of him just didn’t understand why he couldn’t be. Before the hunt, Castiel hadn’t shown any real signs of being anything other than alright. Just the day before they’d been sitting in a diner laughing and having fun. He wanted to know what shifted. What changed?

But instead of asking, instead of delving into everything with the others in the car, he kept his eyes on the road as they made their way to Evan Hudson’s house. Well if his boyfriend was going to be emotionally unavailable… he could do that too. 

Castiel, on the other hand, felt like the world's biggest tool. He knew something was off with Dean, he knew it was something they were all thinking about. And he knew it had everything to do with this case. He even knew his boyfriend was hurting. He just couldn’t seem to get out of his own way. 

_ Castiel dug into the ground, trying not to let more tears escape. With Gabriel subdued in the back of the car, his hands bound – something that had been an afterthought lest he wake up and try to stop him– Castiel was free to do this. He was free to sell his soul and make a trade for Dean. There was no one to stop him.  _

_ That had been the moment he paused. He looked down at the little tin that still smelled of mints, something he’d bought at a convenience store about two miles back. He looked down at the picture of him with a soft smile on his face, having taken the picture from one of the fake badges he carried in his wallet as to always be ready like Dean had taught him.  _

_ He debated for a moment if this was really what he wanted. He knew Dean might not forgive him, might even hate him for this. But as he looked down at the picture, he smiled softly, remembering when Dean had taken it. He’d made him laugh so many times that the picture of him they used was just about the only good picture they had of him.  _

_ He smiled fondly at the memory. And in that moment… he knew what he had to do… _

_ He placed the tin into the earth, covering it with the dirt. He looked at the spot for a moment as if something would happen right then and there… like the ground would rumble beneath his feet and spit out a demon.  _

_ But, of course… none of that happened.  _

_ He stood, confused as he looked around, looking for some sort of sign that he what he did had worked and that it was right.  _

_ “Looking for me, handsome?” a voice drawled. _

_ Castiel’s head snapped up, seeing a man standing in front of him. The man was… nothing special, really. He was around his height but he was definitely more sharply dressed than he was. With a suit donning his body, it made him look out of place in the dusty backroad setting they were on. _

_ The guy smirked as Castiel seemed a little confused. “Come on, handsome, don’t tell me I’m not your type,” he said just before his eyes turned red.  _

_ Castiel stiffened and stood up straighter, but it was all bravado. While he’d chosen this, yes, he still had every right to be fearful of the demon standing in front of him. After all, it was still a spawn of hell.  _

_ “You know, I can see the wheels turning up there in that little head of yours,” he said as he pointed, his finger going round to represent said wheel. “But if you’re not even going to talk to me, I think I should be on my way.” _

_ As he turned to walk away, Castiel stepped forward. “Wait! Wait…” he whispered, letting out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. “I… I want to make a deal.” _

_ The demon smirked again. “Oh honey, I know,” he voiced as he turned back around. He looked Castiel up and down as if drinking in the sight of him like he was something to look at.  _

_ Castiel waited for him to go on, to ask him what he wanted for or something. But when the silence stretched on, he took it upon himself. “I want to make a deal for–” _

_ The demon held up his hand, cutting him off. “I know exactly what you want to make a deal for,” he interrupted before he put his hand back down. “No can do.” _

_ Castiel’s face twisted into one of confusion. He waited for a punchline, for the demon to laugh at him… but that never came. “What do you mean?” _

_ “I mean your deal. Can’t do it. You want me to say it in Spanish?” he asked.  _

_ “What do you mean you can’t do it?” Castiel growled as he stepped closer. He was desperate, something the demon had to know. He had to know that he was his only option. Dean was dying a few towns over in a hospital bed, put there by one of his own. He had to know just what he needed.  _

_ “I mean that you are damaged goods, sweetheart,” he seemed to take pleasure in saying; if the grin on his face was anything to go by as he began to circle Castiel like he the prey and the demon the shark. “I mean that you have to have something a demon wants– nay… something that  _ hell _ wants to strike a deal for. You have nothing.” _

_ Castiel’s confusion only took deeper root as the demon kept talking. He remembered Dean telling him once that demons lie. They lie through their teeth to get what they want. But this seemed to be the opposite.  _

_ “I’ll give you my soul. Please…” he whispered. “My soul in exchange for my boyfriend living. Ten years; it’s the same deal you give everyone else.” _

_ “Oh, but didn’t you know? You’re not everyone else,” he grinned.  _

_ “What are you talking about?” _

_ “You didn’t catch that ‘damaged goods’ comment?” he asked as he stepped closer. “You’re missing something, kid. Something very important that goes right here in the center,” he said as he reached out and touched Castiel’s chest.  _

_ Without much thought, Castiel grabbed the hand and spun the man around, holding his arm tightly behind his back an action that, after being executed more than once today, was becoming second nature. “Why are you talking in circles? Just make the deal,” he demanded.  _

_ The demon almost looked bored as he threw a look over his shoulder. “Now, now. Mind your blood pressure. And don’t break my meat suit. It’s brand new. I just got it.” _

_ As the demon moved to turn around, Castiel grabbed him by his jacket and pulled him in. “Make the deal. What are you waiting for?” _

_ “Alright, it was fun at first, kid, but now you’re starting to piss me off,” he glowered at Castiel. “Paws off!” he called but Castiel wouldn’t let go. The demon's eyes flashed red as he pried Castiel off so hard that he stumbled back, crumpling to the ground.  _

_ Castiel felt tears overwhelming him again. This deal… he needed it. To save Dean. He needed to save Dean. Because he couldn’t live without him. He didn’t know what it felt like anymore and he didn’t want to know. He just wanted to be in a motel somewhere, Dean’s arms around him as they talked about sneaking away from Sam for a few hours. He wanted more late night kissing sessions in the back of the Impala. He wanted to maybe marry him some day. He wanted it all. And now? He couldn’t have it.  _

_ “You know why you ain’t got anything we want, kid? Because you’re empty! I’m talkin’ nothin’ inside! No one home! Your get up and go got up and went!” he said, still seeing that Castiel had no idea what he was talking about. “You don’t have a soul!” he yelled. “You and the ones like you, you’re all damaged.” _

_ Castiel’s eyes widened, not fathoming as he blinked through tears. His entire being went cold, he couldn’t feel a thing for a few moments. And then it sunk in. No soul? How was he walking around? How was he here? And then he had to wonder if the monsters they hunted had souls. Some of them… they must have. They were were human once. The others, the ones born inhuman. What about those? Did they have souls? Was he inhuman? _

_ “Your lover is as good as dead, kid. I’d say goodbye while I have the chance,” he said before he simply disappeared, leaving nothing but a crying Castiel in his wake.  _

 

Dean kicked in the door to Evan Hudson’s house just moments after having him slam it in his face, Dean trying to tell the man they weren’t demons. 

The three of them followed suit, moving in after Dean, only pausing when Sam stopped Dean from kicking in a second door that just happened to be unlocked. 

“Please! Don't hurt me,” Evan pleaded as he came out from behind a corner, fear in his eyes.

Sam held his hands up, refraining from thinking the words ‘we come in peace.’ “We're not going to hurt you, all right? We're here to help you.”

“We know all about the deal you made,” Gabriel said. 

Evan looked at the four of them. “What? How?” he asked. 

Castiel shook his head, speaking gently to the man to try and get him to calm down. “Doesn't matter. All that matters is, we're trying to stop it,” he assured. 

Evan looked at them skeptically as if wondering how he could trust four strangers that had literally just busted into his home and proclaimed to know something about a deal, he’d told noone about, a decade previous. “How do I know you're not lying?”

“Well, you don't, but you're kinda running low on options there, buddy-boy,” Dean snarked. The tone in his voice earned him a disappointed look from Cas but at the moment… he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was too wound up, too involved… all of this hitting into his neighborhood.

Evan swallowed visibly as he moved as if he was going to start pacing, clearly more frightened than anything else. “Can you stop it?”

“Don't know. We'll try,” Gabriel noted. 

“I don't want to die,” he confessed, his head in his hand.

“Of course you don't, not now,” Dean countered, the sarcasm dripping from his voice as he said it. 

Castiel turned to look at his boyfriend. He had to admit, the way Dean was acting toward Evan, it struck a chord. How could Dean act like he was when he had no clue what Evan had asked for? He didn’t know the circumstances. “Dean. Stop,” Castiel said. 

But Dean ignored him. Castiel didn’t have him on a harness. He didn’t get to say heel and choose now to be present when he couldn’t have cared less the rest of the day. “What'd you ask for anyway, Evan? Huh? Never need Viagra? Bowl a perfect game? What?”

At first Evan looked at him with something akin to hurt. Maybe even anger. But in the next he looked down, almost like he was ashamed of what he was about to say. “My wife…” he said, his voice solemn. 

Dean gave a dry, humorless, laugh. As if the man in front of them had the right to tell them the truth because it wasn’t one that he liked. While Castiel, immediately, picked up on what he meant… Dean hadn’t seemed to. “Right. Gettin' the girl. Well, that's worth a trip to hell for–” 

“Dean, stop,” Castiel said a little louder. 

“You know what, screw you, Cas,” he said with a bit more malice than he originally meant. Truth was he’d had enough of Cas today. But he was sure he’d pay for that comment later. 

“No. He's right, I made the deal,” Evan said, seeing Castiel about to fire something else back. “Nobody twisted my arm, that... woman, or whatever she was, at the bar? She said I could have anything I wanted. I thought she was nuts at first, but... I don't know I was— I was desperate,” he said as he turned away. 

Sam gave a confused expression. “Desperate?” he asked. 

“Julie was dying…”

Castiel’s heart clenched as he seemed to resonate with Evan. He knew exactly what it felt like to be on the brink of losing someone… he knew what it felt to be willing to do anything to keep them alive, keep them safe, keep them breathing. 

“You did it to save her?” Dean said with a new clarity. 

Castiel looked up, looking at his boyfriend while the other didn’t seem to be paying him much mind. But he saw Dean begin to understand… or at least that’s what he thought he saw. 

“She had cancer, they'd stopped treatment, they were moving her into hospice, they kept saying... a matter of days. So yeah, I made the deal. And I'd do it again. I'd have died for her on the spot,” he explained. 

Castiel looked over, watching as Dean’s jaw clenched, his brain working. Immediately his shoulders sagged. Dean didn’t understand. How could he?

“Did you ever think about her in all this?” Dean asked. 

“I did this for her.”

“You sure about that? I think you did it for yourself–”

“Dean that’s enough. Stop,” Castiel said as he advanced as well, getting closer to him. He couldn’t stop feeling his own anger in all of this. How could Dean not understand? How could he not see that Evan loved his wife? That he would do anything for her. 

“ – So you wouldn't have to live without her. But guess what? She's going to have to live without you now.”

Castiel’s own jaw clenched as he felt tears. He could practically see the demon yelling at him, telling him he was damaged goods. He remembered how much that hurt, how he thought he would never see Dean again, not alive anyway. “Dean, you’ve said your piece.”

“No, I don’t think I have!” He said, rounding on Evan once more. “But what if she knew how much it cost? What if she knew it cost your soul? How do you think she'd feel?”

Castiel gave a noise before he pushed Dean back. “How dare you! How dare you pretend to know what it would feel like to be on the other end of that!” he yelled. “How dare you make assumptions when you don’t know what it’s like to be there, your one and only between life and death and  _ you _ have the power to do something!”

Dean had been surprised, to say the least, when Castiel pushed him back and away from Evan. He was confused as to why Cas was sticking up for the man. Yes, okay, Cas usually had a soft spot for the victims. He always did. He always took it to his heart. But this… this was personal. 

But Dean’s confusion quickly turned to anger. “How dare I? How dare someone that claims to love you do something like that to you!” he yelled back. “You can’t love someone and then go and do a selfish thing like sell your soul! You have no clue what it’s going to do to them. You have no clue how it’s going to affect them when they find out!”

“At least they’d be alive,” Castiel growled. “Because selfish or not, it’s a good possibility that person did what they thought was best in a moment. Someone who would give their life for yours– that’s love!”

“It’s crazy!” Dean countered. “Why do you care so much? Why are you defending him?” Dean yelled, though he wasn’t sure which  _ him _ he was talking about. 

“Because I tried to do it for you, you asshole!” he called. 

The room went silent, everyone seemingly in shock. Dean stared, wide eyed, at Castiel for a long moment, taking in what he’d just said; the words that just came out of his mouth. He couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t… understand for a moment. “You what?” he whispered. 

Sam stepped in, guiding the two out into the hall. “Okay, that's enough. You just sit tight, all right? We're going to figure this out,” he said, looking at Gabriel. 

Gabriel sighed softly as if telling Sam he knew but also agreeing that this was the worst possible time for this to come to a head. Granted… that didn’t stop the two from continuing in the hallway. 

“Hey… hey, don’t you walk away from me,” Dean said as he grabbed Castiel’s wrist and pulled him back to him. “What do you mean you tried? What’s that supposed to mean? Did you sell your soul?”

Castiel’s jaw clenched. “No. I didn’t. I couldn’t. The demon wouldn’t let me.”

Dean scoffed. “First decent thing a demon has ever done for this family–”

Castiel yanked his arm back from the other. “You’re an asshole.”

“Oh, I’m an asshole because I care? Because the last person I wanna see end up in hell is the person I love?” he asked, his anger fuming and practically billowing out of his ears at this point. “Well I mean, yeah, sure, if that makes me an asshole, I guess I am. Seeing how I’m pretty sure one person I love is already there!”

“You’re an asshole for the way you perceive it. I love you, Dean. I love you more than I know what to do with! All I want is you. I  _ need _ you. I need you in my life, I don’t… I just need you, okay? And you were dying. You were in a hospital bed. You weren’t going to get better. I’ve seen those write ups before. I studied them at one point when I was in school. You were going to die there,” he sobbed, unaware of when he started crying. “You were gone to me and I needed you back! Because I didn’t know what to do knowing you were dead! So I was fully prepared to sell my soul. Live ten, happy, years with you and then lie in the bed I made! Because ten years with you is better than one  _ second _ without you!”

Any other time, Dean would have been there to hold his boyfriend while he cried. He would have been there to hold Cas and tell him that it was going to be alright and that they would get better from this. But he couldn’t. Not this time Not when he didn’t forgive his boyfriend. 

“You’re such an idiot,” he shook his head. “I would have rathered anything else to you selling your soul. And what’s this bullshit about the demon not letting you, huh? Tell me the truth, Cas. You sold your soul, didn’t you? You sold your soul and now you’re trying to pass it off.”

“Why would I do that?” 

“I don’t know! But you’re not telling me the truth! Where’s your soul, Cas? You still got it locked away or is it inked down on some demon contract–”

“ _ I don’t know! _ ” he cried at the other. 

For the second time that night, in less than five minutes, Castiel left his boyfriend speechless, just standing there with his mouth sort of agape. 

“Cas… what do you mean you don’t know?” Sam was the one to ask. 

“I mean that I  _ tried _ to sell my soul to save you. I tried my damndest. I summoned the thing and I did my spiel and he told me no! Because I’m damaged goods. Because I had nothing to give. Because my soul was  _ gone _ …” he sobbed, his arms wrapping around himself. 

Castiel had said that a total of one other time and it had been in front of Gabriel. He’d been interrupted so he’d never… he’d never thought much about it and now? Now he was mourning the loss of it like he’d set it down and left it somewhere he’d never see it again. 

But Castiel looked up at Dean… and there, in that moment… he saw the last thing he’d ever wanted to see on Dean’s face while looking at him: disgust. He didn’t know if he meant to but Dean always had that look of distrust and disgust whenever Sam used his power. He would always give him this look like he was a freak. And now? He was giving Cas the same look. 

Dean, of course, wasn’t meaning to do anything of the sort. He was trying to fathom, trying to process everything that had just been thrown at him in the last few minutes. Topping that off with the fact that he was pretty damn sure his father had sold his soul for his life… Dean wasn’t in the best shape right now. 

“I think I hear it! It's outside!” Evan called from his study. 

Dean shook the thoughts from his head. This was personal. And personal wasn’t where they were at this moment. They had a job to do. He ran a hand over his face, sobering himself. “Alright. You throw George's hoodoo at that Hellhound, keep it away from Evan as long as you can. I'm gonna go to the crossroads and summon the demon,” Dean said. Immediately he saw Sam and Gabriel move to argue but he waved them off. “Just keep him alive, okay?” he asked before he looked to Cas. “This conversation isn’t over.”

“Dean–” Sam tried. 

“Go!” he called on his way out. 

_ Castiel didn’t know how long he had been sitting there on the ground, his eyes aching from how much crying he’d done. He’d sat there for what was probably hours… tossing and turning the idea in his head that he didn’t have a soul. That he was somehow inhuman and he didn’t know about it.  _

_ He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know where to turn. He just knew that nothing… nothing was the same. He couldn’t just go home. That wasn’t an option. Not after the love that Dean had given him, the world he’d shown him. Going back to the life he had before just wasn’t in the cards for him.  _

_ He couldn’t go back to Sam and John. They were the only two left and right up until the last point, he knew that John Winchester had a certain spot for him in his heart. It was called disdain. Hatred. Dislike for breaking his son’s focus and bringing a civilian into the mix of their crazy world. He loved Sam… but he very much doubted he had a family there if Dean was truly gone.  _

_ And then there was that. How was he supposed to get over the love of his life? He’d promised Dean that they would always have each other’s backs. They would love each other until the end and then turned right around and promised each other that they would live long enough to see the end. Was this the end? _

_ When Castiel finally stood up, tried to pick himself up, he lifted his head to go toward the car when he stopped in his tracks. There, staring back at him from the back seat, was Gabriel. There wasn’t pity or fear or disgust in his eyes. There wasn’t even worry. If Castiel didn’t know any better, he’d think it was love.  _

_ He walked closer, leaning on the car as he pulled a switchblade out of his pocket. It was something small, something that Dean had given to him when they first began hunting together. He glanced through the open windows and then back down. “How much of that did you hear?” he asked.  _

_ “From ‘handsome’ all the way through,” Gabriel said quietly. “Have to admit I was happy I was this far away from a demon. Don’t have a good track record…” _

_ Castiel couldn’t hang his head more. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. “I’m sorry, Gabe. I’m sorry I had to drag you out here with me to meet a demon. I’m sorry about hitting you, too. I’m sorry about tying you up. But you have to understand–” _

_ “I understand, Cas,” he whispered, looking to his brother. “I don’t… I’ve never felt what you feel. I don’t know that I ever will. You have this bond with Dean that I’ve never experienced. Not with a guy, not with a girl…” he shook his head. “I’m happy for you. I’m right pissed that you hit me and tied me up in the back of the car… kind of proud,” he said, earning him a humorless chuckle. “But I’m happy for you.” _

_ Castiel smiled sadly before it faded all together. He moved silently as he reached in through the open windows and cut the rope with his blade so that Gabriel could get free. “Won’t have to be happy for me much longer…” he said quietly. “Dean’s condition,” he shook his head as he looked up. “There’s no coming back from it. He could stay in a coma forever… he could die within the next couple of days, weeks maybe. But it’s safe to say that Dean… my Dean… he’s slipping away,” he choked out, trying not to cry again.  _

_ Gabriel got out of the car and moved closer, wrapping his arms around his brother; bringing him in and letting him cry on his shoulder if he needed to. “You have a whole world at your disposal. There’s not just demons… we’ll find another way. We won’t give up. You can’t give up.” _

_ Castiel pulled himself from Gabriel after a few moments, swallowing hard and trying to collect himself. He ran his hands through his hair multiple times before he shook his head, as if trying to shake away the terrible thoughts.  _

_ “I have to get back there. I have to say goodbye to him,” he whispered.  _

_ Gabriel nodded and put a hand on his shoulder, letting his brother take a few more moments to himself. “You wanna talk about what the demon said?” he asked.  _

_ Castiel looked down. “The only person it would matter to is laying in a hospital bed. I have a feeling I won’t ever get the chance to tell him,” he muttered as he moved and got into the car.  _

 

Dean pushed back, having been caught by surprise, from the kiss the demon had caught him in. He frowned, spitting. Oh Cas was not going to be happy about that. “What the hell was that for?” he huffed. 

“Sealing the deal,” the demon replied. 

“I usually like to be warned before I'm violated with demon tongue,” he growled. “Besides, for someone who seems to know so much about me, you’d think you’d know I don’t bat for your team at the moment.”

She smirked as if the thought of upsetting his boyfriend was exactly what she wanted. “Evan Hudson is free. He and his wife will live long lives.”

Dean watched her as they began to go back and forth, the hunter wanting to know she wasn’t lying. She gave him her spiel, of course, but Dean was still skeptical, touching the rosary in his hands like he had plans to send her back to hell even though she cooperated. A bit more  _ hands on _ than he would have liked but cooperative nonetheless. 

But Dean put the rosary away. Truth be told, Dean’s only real though– besides the ones racing in his head about his father being in hell for him– was to get back to Cas. He may not have wanted to but he had time to deal with what his father did. But he wanted to see his boyfriend now. 

Not to tell him off, no. To tell him that he’d been right. Dean truly didn’t know the feeling of being put in a situation like that where he had the power to do something. It took everything in him not to make that deal. And Cas was one of those reasons. Because Cas deserved a long, happy, life. And if it was him that made him happy then so help him  _ god _ he was going to spend his life doing just that. He also thought how the deal would be undoing exactly what his dad died for… so the answer was ultimately a no. 

Then the demon started running her mouth, talking about hell. She was spewing things as awful as the hole in the ground she crawled out of and it was making his skin crawl. His own imaginations were enough. He didn’t need her confirming. 

With one threat, it had her throwing her head back. The black smoke that was the essence of a demon poured out of her mouth and into the sky as the girl it was riding screamed. When the demon seemed done, the girl fell to the ground, scared and confused. 

“What... how did I get here?” she trembled. 

 

Dean was able to get the girl home safe, taking way longer than he’d originally wanted to. His head was still spinning after dealing with the demon that the only thing he really wanted was to go home to his boyfriend and just… talk it out. 

He’d been sitting in the car by himself when he laughed at that. Never in the history of Dean Winchester had he been looking forward to talking. Castiel really had made him a changed man. But changed for the better, that he knew. 

When he pulled up to the motel, he was almost excited to turn in, to share the bed with his boyfriend and to make things better. He knew it would be a lot of hashing out, they still needed to talk about the no soul thing, something Dean wasn’t sure about… but he knew that no soul, no pulse, no heart… Castiel was his. He loved him. He needed him as much as Castiel needed him. Maybe more than that. 

But when he pulled up at the motel to see his brother sitting outside on one of the benches, no Castiel or Gabriel around… he knew something was wrong. He briefly wondered if they’d switched rooms, Castiel that mad at him, and Sam was sitting outside waiting for him or something. 

He got out, looking at Sam and the way his expression looked lost and saddened. “What’s going on?” he asked. 

“They’re gone,” he answered. 

“Gone? What do you mean gone? Gone to get something to eat? Gone to… buy something–” he asked, not freaking out in the least– okay he was– before Sam cut him off.

“As in I told them I was just going to make sure we had another night and when I got back… they’d taken the car we hotwired to get here and they were gone. Cleared their things out of both rooms and they’re… in the wind,” he breathed. 

Dean’s heart sank, not knowing how to take that. He never… he never truly thought Cas would bolt. Especially not after the speech he’d given him earlier about needing him, needing him there with him. Dean shook his head. “They’re not gone.”

“Dean, they took everything. They’ve turned off their cell phones. They left. They meant to leave.”

Dean just kept shaking his head. “No, no, no– you see because… because Cas wouldn’t do that,” he tried to reason, though he didn’t know if he was trying to reason with Sam or himself. 

Sam held up a piece of paper with Dean’s name on it. “It’s for you.”

Dean snatched it immediately, opening up the note. 

**_Dean,_ **

**_You have to understand that this is very hard for me to do. I love you. With all my heart. But after I told you the truth… I saw the way you looked at me. Like I was a freak. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be a freak in your eyes. I don’t want you to look at me like I could snap and hurt you at any moment. I don’t want you to look at me like that again._ **

**_So I thought this was best. I knew that you would either tell me to get out or you would force yourself to stay with me out of some… principal. I do believe you loved me… and you even still might. But I don’t know that you could always. How could you? I’m… inhuman._ **

**_So I left. I took Gabriel because some things the demon said made us believe that I’m not the only one that doesn’t have a soul. We believe Gabriel is the same as me. We don’t know how to explain it. We simply do. And also because I can’t go home and the road can get very lonely._ **

**_I hope one day you can look back and see our relationship as good and not that you dated some kind of freak that was out to hurt you. Because I promise I never was._ **

**_I love you, Dean. And I promise that I always will. I just don’t want you to force yourself to love me back._ **

**_Goodbye, Dean. I’ll always love you._ **

By the time Dean had finished the note… he wasn’t ashamed to admit he was in tears. Castiel had just… left. It wasn’t even a break up. It was just him leaving. He couldn’t bare the heartbreak. He couldn’t even begin to describe how he felt. 

He ripped the note up, leaving it shredded there on the ground. Perhaps to some it might have been a nice sentiment to keep, to cherish. But not for Dean. It was nothing but a reminder that he needed to prove himself. 

“Get in the car,” he growled at Sam. 

“Where are we going?” Sam wondered, though there wasn’t much in it. Gabriel had left his own note for Sam, explaining that he had to go with his brother. It had left Sam… at a loss. He once again felt like a member of his family had been ripped from him, just like he had at the hospital. But this time it was twice as bad because Sam had grown to love Gabriel. 

“We’re going to get them.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> So what are y'all thinking? Sabriel? Yay or nay? While I'm a fan, I brought you here for Destiel. If the majority of you would not like to read it, I'll not include it.


End file.
